Closing Time

For now, this blog has served it's purpose.
This bartender is taking some time off.


Love to all my patrons,


Ella


Photo compliments of Kevin Barker on Flickr.

FYI

My last blog was positive.

It was a good thing. I was in a good place.


Not bad.


Good.


I shouldn't have to qualify this for you, for crying out loud...

A Take-Charge Kind of Girl

I spend a lot of time on this blog complaining about one thing or another, and it's high time it came to a stop. I have been far too reactive to my life. This too, has to stop. I need to be proactive, rather than reactive to all of the shitty things that drag me down. If I was paying attention, I would have seen them coming and may have been able to avoid them in the first place.

Mainly, this comes into play with my finances. I have great job, which I love, and which pays decent money. However, the amount of credit debt and student loan debt I racked up before I finished college and took the Great Job, have put me in a hole.

Instead of taking this situation head-on, I've sort of (most definitely) avoided it.

If I haven't had money, I simply haven't paid my bills, and this has put me in a bind and made me feel like an idiot.

I'm pretty hard on myself, and I know that most of the time I need to lighten up and give myself a break, but this time I believe that the reason I think I'm an idiot is because I've actually been acting like an idiot.

A moron. A doofus. A spaz. Etc.

It's time to take control of my life. It's time to take control of my circumstances. It's time to be a real adult. Finally, I feel myself coming alive again. I feel like my self again. I am powerful and strong willed. I can control this situation and beat it into submission.

I'm not quite Supergirl yet, but I'm well on my way...

Not knowing what to do or who to ask for help, I became paralyzed by my burdens and I shut down. With every unpaid bill, the paralysis has continued to spread, until I found myself morphing into a human statue--a gargoyle (without the cool fangs and stuff).


Now that I'm ready to fight this and take control I need a plan.

• My first step will be to educate myself. Whenever I talk to the friendly people at Sallie Mae about my student loans I feel like they're speaking a different language. It's all so technical. So, I need to wrap my brain around student loans and become a semi-expert in the student loan / financial field.
• Step Two will involve me better understanding my commission schedule at work and finding a way to track it myself, instead of relying on the corporate reports every two weeks. I need to stay on top of my commissions, just as much as I need to stay on top of my checking account.
• Step Three will be the most painful. I need to track down every single dime I owe. I have a few credit cards that have been turned over to collections, but you can't really trust those agencies when they call you. I need to contact the credit card companies and get contact information from them for who they sold the debt to.
• Step Four will be bittersweet. I need to put together a strict budget. It will be painful to see how little I have coming in and how long it will take me to pay off my debt, but it will be exciting to know that I have plan in place.
• Step Five. I need to generate more income. So, I need to get a second job or kick-ass more at the one I'm currently working.
• Step Six. Set up accountability. I'm hoping my mom will partner with me on this. After all, she already knows a lot about my crappy finances. I don't want her paying my bills, but I need someone there with me who I can trust to advise me on my bills and help pull me through this mess. I want someone who can hold me accountable on a weekly basis. I am far too tempted to do things like buy new shoes and blow money on fast food. I have to squeeze every dime into debt resolution if I am going to pull through this.

I may suck at life, but at least I am willing to do something about it. I am going to get myself out of this mess if it kills me.

someone else

I spend enough time on this blog sharing my own drama and I have decided that it is high-time I stop being selfish and give someone else the Limelight.

My roommate, SL, has this serial non-boyfriend-Boyfriend. That is, they've been officially not-together-but-not-seeing-other-people for several years now. I can't stand him.

He effs with her emotions. Constantly.

To be fair, from my contact with him one-on-one he seems like a nice guy. I really have no grounds to criticize, but here are the facts:

• he has many friends, but rarely opens up to any of them
• he is a recluse, shy, quiet
• in a group of people, he will sit on his own and work on his own, as if no one else existed
  
• he demands that she be faithful to him, even though they are not committed
• he flirts with and has slept with other girls
• he became upset when she was seeing someone else even though they were separated for nearly a year while they were on opposite sides of the globe and (this is key) not actually together
  
• he is an artist, and lacks a regular paying gig (ie, he's broke a lot). I don't have anything against a struggling artist, but in conjunction with his other cons, it makes him appear pretty lame.
• he's average
  

The hardest part of all of this for me is simple comprehension. I don't get it. He's ordinary, and she is beautiful and brilliant. If he were incredibly handsome or enormously talented, I might be a bit more understanding, but he seems ordinary to me. He treats her poorly and she puts up with it. It doesn't make sense to me.

She must love him.

I have no patience for him, but I am nice to him and toward him for her sake. Honestly, though, I want her to move on to someone who is better suited to her. She deserves more.

Perhaps that is true of all who love. I believe the men who have fallen in love with me have deserved more. That's why I've said no to forever. I won't commit to someone I'll just hurt and abuse. It it just doesn't seem fair.

Today I discovered...

...Chocolove.

Yuuuuummmmmmyyyyyy!

I am a fool for fantastic chocolate, fine ingredients and fabulous advertising, and this company has managed to do all three with style. The beautiful bar, formed in easy to break little squares, is double wrapped in foil and paper. On the inside of the paper wrapper is "Oh no-not ev'n when first we loved" by Thomas Moore. I may start collecting their wrappers and come up with something crafty to do with them. The company makes over 20 different varieties, and if they're all as yummy as their "Cherries & Almonds" bar, my waist-line is in trouble. I have their milk chocolate bar still sitting in the refrigerator. It may or may not survive the night.

a non-contender

I am not consistent. In an effort to inspire me, my boss shared this little insight with me a few weeks ago. He thinks my efforts at work and in other areas of my life peak-and-tank on a week-to-week basis.

He's right.

A week and a half ago I worked my butt off, and because I did, last week went very well. However, I was so busy that I didn't set this week up very well, and I'll suffer for it.

Obviously I lack motivation. Since I started this blog last Fall, motivation is one area of my life that I've been seeking to solve. But, no luck yet.

When I fight for something I want, I FIGHT FOR IT! But, when I've decided it's beyond my reach, I give up. Simply. Quietly.

When things get tough, I don't fight. I give up. When did I become this weak woman? I still see myself as the type of woman who will leap tall buildings to get what she wants out of life, but all evidence is currently to the contrary.

Maybe the problem is that I don't know what I want out of life. I don't have anything worth fighting for. I'm not trying to be a pessimist; I'm just looking for a solution. All the things I want right now (financial security, friendship, love, good health) all seem so mundane. There has got to be something more... something worth fighting for. There is nothing in my life that is making me pick myself up and throw a punch at the world.

Then again, isn't it enough of a battle just trying to survive in this world as a single woman?

cause it makes me that much stronger
makes me work a little bit harder
makes me that much wiser
so thanks for making me a fighter
made me learn a little bit faster
made my skin a little bit thicker
it makes me that much smarter
so thanks for making me a fighter

I found this picture on Dreamstime through a Google Image search. I don't own it.

Anathema::A Self-Inflicted Curse

I may have mentioned this before, but last February I did a really stupid thing.

It was the Tuesday after Valentine's Day, and I was on my way home from a very inspiring lecture from my favorite professor, when I prayed a stupid prayer...

{or wished a stupid wish. Whichever you believe in.}

...that I might better understand poverty.

Just like in a fairy tale, the words slipped out of my lips as a mere whisper, and as soon as I uttered them I regretted it. I heard the mirror break, the black cat screech, and the ladder fall as I welcomed in my own self-made nightmare.

After a fitful night's sleep, I awoke the next morning with a clear head. What did I have to worry about? Everything in my life was going swell. Maybe it was a lesson I could learn by proxy. Maybe I could help a friend through their rough time.

No such luck. I was working as a barista at our local hospital. I was supposed to be at work 5am, but I always rolled in a few minutes late. At 5:06am I came rushing down the hall toward the time clock, when I saw my manager sitting in the waiting room. For a brief moment I worried that something was wrong with him, or maybe his family. We were working in a hospital after all. However, as soon as he looked up at me, I knew.

I'm sorry. I don't want to do this, but I don't have a choice.

I'd never been fired before (and hopefully will never have to go through that again). Oddly, I felt at peace with it. I was releaved that he and his family were alright. There are worse things than being fired. I also felt like the timing was perfect. Plus, there was the curse that I'd set upon myself the night before.

As I left work, I wondered: How long will it last? A month? Six months? A year?

Luckily, baristas are early risers. By 7am I had my resume posted on Monster and CareerBuilder, and by 11am I had already made contact with a few employers and scheduled a few interviews. The first was at 1pm that afternoon.

I sat nervousely across the desk from the manager of Bed, Bath & Beyond, as he looked over my resume and application. I was very honest with him. I told him I'd been fired from my last job, but that my former boss would give me a great recommendation and I needed something soon. I feared his response, but found that he, and other employers, were pleasantly surprised by my honesty, and he was impressed that I'd already started looking for a new job only hours after losing my last one.

In the following week, I was offered several junior management positions in retail, but none of them would start for several weeks, and some for several months. Several weeks after I was fired, I stumbled into a small sales office and met with the man who is now my regional director. He told me about the opportunity and invited me to join his team as a contracted agent. At the time, I was excited about the opportunity, and hoped this would pull me out of my rut. Curses be damned!

No such luck.

One year later, things are still rough. I love my job. I can't say that enough. I really do. However, nothing is easy. After a frustrating day on Wednesday (just this week), I came home early and sat in a fetal position under a hot shower, crying my eyes out until the hot water ran out.

I am completely worn out. I work 6o hour weeks. I pick up all the slack. I do the tasks no one else wants to do. I am always there. Always. I help train people I am not being paid to train. I am organizing this year's charity event. It is eating up a lot of my office time and I am not getting paid for it. I study my field endlessly; I put my whole heart into my job, and it still hasn't grown easier. It seems like every month something goes wrong or something comes up that makes my life a bit harder.

I'm not complaining about the things I do. I enjoy doing them and wouldn't do them if I didn't. I would quit my job and find something else if I hated it. But when is karma going to pay it forward?

Maybe that's the point. Maybe I shouldn't expect things to get better. Maybe I'm being selfish, or greedy. I don't do things because I want something in return, but how much crap is a person expected to put up with before they just give in?

I'd like to be able to pay my bills (all of them) in the same month. I'd like to be able to buy groceries AND keep the water from being turned off.

Is that too much to ask?!?

This week was perhaps the worst of all. I thought I hit rock-bottom a few months ago, but apparently when you get there, they give you a drill and let you grind your way down until you hit the earth's core. However, through the fog and the haze, things began to fall into place. Suddenly things clicked. It's as if I'd been living around foreigners for the last year and finally learned to speak their language. The curtain rose and I found myself staring Next Week in the face, and she is beautiful!

I have learned my lesson. I understand poverty. I get what it's like to have nothing, surrounded by people who have everything and take it for granted. I have $2.73 in my wallet and my bank account is overdrawn until my check hits next week. My cupboards are bare. I have tea, half a cup of uncooked barley and some marinara sauce in the fridge. It's time for the curse to lift and for things to look up. It's time for the little rain cloud to find someone else to follow around. It's time for a new day.

{may bright & sunny days for you,}

Ella